Bumpy's Arcade Adventure

Did you ever think that there are a couple of things that maybe, just maybe, you cannot impersonate in videogames? Whatever your choices were, you can leave a bouncy ball behind.

I present to you Bumpy. That's the name. Because, you know, you're a ball.

 

I bet you were expecting something that looked a wee bit less horrendous, am I right?

The gameplay is simple: you have to avoid anything that could ever, possibly harm a fragile plastic object with air inside (ig: spikes).

As you go from level to level, you have completely new stages to which you can access by passwords.

Here goes a gameplay video, so you know just how much you are missing:

                     

Ivan ‘Ironman’ Steward’s Super Off Road

It was a cold winter night, all the windows shut tight. The lights were down but they still shone bright. Well, mostly because you had the computer on all the time while playing this awesome racing pearl.

It was 1989 and racing games took many forms, but off road racing was pretty much fresh. This game was actually endorsed by off road racer Ivan Steward. I think that’s a great way to get a game with your name on it - endorsing it. Nevertheless, despite its simple nature, I have nothing but great things to say about this game. It’s highly addicting and has a lot of replayability.

 
Press away the title screen and possible demos that might resurge, and you’re ready. Ready to choose your birthdate and nationality. What did you expect? A racing game where you can’t fully personify yourself and introduce completely useless details about yourself as far as gameplay is concerned? Nah, I kid. I think it’s a nice touch. That’s all videogaming is about, actually putting yourself in the shoes of a racer and still pretending it’s you. Healthy. So, skip forward: you choose your three lettered name, birthdate, and nationality (from among about 7 or 8 possible choices). No, you can’t choose Vanuatu. Now, you’re ready to race.

These trucks conquer land, water, and fire. A lot more than that, actually.

You have the possibility to play up to three players, this, of course, assuming you don’t mind three people sweating for the win very next to you just mashing the keyboard away. If you decide to go solo, you’ll have three opponents.

Your opponent’s AI is a fun happening, to say the least. Supposing you’re playing solo, the intricacies of other drivers will stun you. For one thing always be careful not to be too close to them, as it can get messy sometimes, even more considering the bumps and jumps existent on  the tracks which can make racing a dangerously silly endeavor.

You must be aware that one of the supposed drivers (the grey car, to be more exact), is Ivan himself. For some reason, the remaining two opponents would have done better if they dedicated themselves to other things. Videogaming, for instance. These are the kind of opponents that you can be making all sorts of bad planning and mistakes, and you will still be a good few seconds after them. Should you drive a bit better, you may be able to easily give them one, or two laps in advance.

Now, Ivan, is a different story.

Think you can beat me and my iron set of wheels? Think again. Several times.

In short, you’ll be racing him. The whole time. You won’t be worrying about anything else but to beat him and not lose track. While the game is not overly complex and you should be able to win most races, keep in mind that you have to keep winning in order to keep playing. So, prepare your nitro button ‘cause you’ll be needing it. Also, other opponents don’t seem to use nitro, which gives you clear advantage. A little abuse can go a long way.

You get money after each race, the which you can also get on track, alongside with nitro items. With this money you’re able to buy, of course, nitro. But that’s not all; this game was pioneer in car upgrades, so you can upgrade your engine, tires, top speed, and shocks. Swell.

You’re able to proceed from track to track. There’s a decent selection of tracks, although some of them are just the same tracks reversed with little else added.

Here’s a short gameplay video to get your engine pumped:

                   

Diamaze

Let us use our imagination for a while. You were playing poker. Against a Lord. Carruthers is his name. Ouch. He was cheating, but since your game skills are so incredibly keen, you managed to win. Poor middle-aged low-income Lord is completely tied, as he doesn’t have the means to pay you. Or so he says. Well, shed no tears my old friend, as Lord Carruthers has a diamond mine!  Actually, more than one, apparently.

The proposal is that you go into his diamond mine(s) and mine diamonds so he’s able to pay you. Makes sense, right? What you get is a lamp, which runs out of fuel after a while, meaning you’ll be risking a slow, dark, cold, probably bug and bat ridden death. Unless you make it out of the cave before the lamp runs out of its fuel. If that’s the case, you know, you’re pretty much fine. A bit richer, too. You also get a few dynamite sticks, just in case.

 

Don’t be fooled by the diamonds that I got.

The gameplay couldn’t be simpler: you, an X, go for the little diamonds on screen. Don’t let the fuel run out, and use your dynamite wisely so you can get as many as you can. You should also take into consideration that you only complete one game when you actually leave the cave; meaning you can leave your score on this pretty wall of fame. If you clean the whole screen, you get extra 5000$. Getting all the diamonds is actually quite a challenge, of that I can assure you.  Diamaze, from 1990, requires no fancy videocard, or anything of the sort. 

While it is a fun game if you’re looking for some brainless wandering and exploding squares with dynamite i’s, it has a couple of shortcomings: the sounds are most definitely annoying. One could argue that they’re the typical sounds for these sort of DOS games, but, well, they’re just annoying. You can turn them off, but every time you restart a cave, the sound comes back on. Also, the controls for such a simple game should be a bit more straightforward. You move with the arrows, but you use dynamite with LRUD keys (yes, that means left, right, up and down). As you can imagine, I’m not really looking for morphology oriented games, which means having for example WASD for planting the sticks would be ideal. There also doesn’t seem to be a way of changing controls.

Next time you play poker against someone, make sure they show the money beforehand.

Here’s a little gameplay video, so you get the jist of it: